I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I (27 y/o) have been dating my girlfriend (25 y/o) for three months, and my girlfriend casually dropped that she’s had sex with about 30 men, whereas I’ve had sex with four women. (She was the fourth.)
I was shocked, and since then, I’ve just been so in my head about it. It’s not even that I’m slut-shaming her for sleeping with 30 men. I know that if I could sleep with 30 women, I absolutely would. It’s that I feel like she is so sexually experienced, whereas I’m not. Since I heard this news, I’ve sort of been avoiding her, and the couple of times we have hung out, I made a bogus reason to leave and didn’t sleep over to avoid having sex.
I really like this woman, but I’m so in my head about not being good enough in bed and also becoming another number. I feel like she’s not done sowing her oats and will leave me. I’m freaking out here. Please help.
—Low Body Count
Dear Low Body Count,
You seem to be worried about two things: not being able to please your girlfriend because you aren’t as sexually experienced; and the possibility that she doesn’t want a committed relationship with you—or anyone, for that matter—because she’s “not done sowing her oats.”
Let’s address your relative sexual inexperience first. Ask yourself if your sex life was satisfying before you learned about her body count. Were you enjoying it? Did she seem to be enjoying it? If there were no sexual concerns beforehand, I don’t think you should assume there are now simply because she’s slept with more people than you have.
If you can identify an issue or two, talk to her. I’d argue it’s a blessing that she’s slept with 30 men, because she’s more likely to know what she wants sexually. She’s probably had terrible sex, amazing sex, and every kind of sex in between, so she can tell you what she needs to be sexually fulfilled.
Before you have sex next time, have a little conversation with her: “I wanted to ask if there’s anything you’d like to try out this time to make sex even better. Are there specific things you’d like me to do?”
Don’t mention her body count, because it actually doesn’t matter! What matters is if she knows what she likes in bed and can communicate that to you. However she got to that place is inconsequential.
I also fear that if you bring it up, even if you do so in a manner that discusses your insecurities, it will come off like slut-shaming. Body count is a sensitive topic, especially for women, who are much more heavily shamed for sleeping with more partners. Since we can’t change how many guys she’s slept with, but we can address your insecurities, let’s focus on making you more secure sexually. And the way to do that is to know what she likes, so you can feel more confident that you satisfy her in the bedroom.
Moving on to your concern that she may leave you because she’s not done “sowing her oats.” The truth is, she may…but she also may leave you for one of another million reasons. Again, I want you to ask yourself if any of her behaviors or words have indicated that she’s not done fooling around. Does she constantly talk about how much she misses being single? Does she drop hints that she’s nowhere near ready to settle down? If so, you’ll want to have a larger talk about whether or not she sees you in your future.
But if not, I think you can have a smaller conversation where you get some validation that she’s happy with the way your relationship is progressing. Think of it as a “relationship check-in.” You can tell her you really like her and see a future with her in it. Then, invite her to share whether she feels the same way. If she’s not on the same page, and was under the impression that this was more casual and short-term, I recommend ending things then and there. It isn’t healthy to pine after someone and to hope they’ll change their mind about what they want (or their feelings towards you). If she does want something more committed and long-term, hopefully, hearing that can help assuage some of your worries.
Contributing Editor
Zachary Zane is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and editor-in-chief of the BOYSLUT Zine, which publishes nonfiction erotica from kinksters across the globe. He writes “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. His work has been featured in New York Times, Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
